I GRANT YOU PERMISSION TO ASK FOR HELP.

Even though permission is not needed.

If you’re a part of the Dunnebells community and are a THRIVE Member, I apologize in advance for another Glennon Doyle reference. These last fourteen days have had me sick in bed, on the couch, on the floor, wondering what I can do with my time that takes no energy but also doesn’t take much brain power. Listening to podcasts seems to be the best thing for me, and a girl can only listen to so much true crime while on cough medication, let me tell you.

Luckily for me, I do not have COVID. Yay. However, unlucky for me, whatever it is that I do have, is just as terrible. It’s been a really lousy time, I’ll tell you that. Day fourteen has me thinking (as day fourteen of anything repetitive would) about how maybe, just maybe, what I needed was a complete reboot. There’s nothing like losing yourself, your sense of wonder, your sense of adventure, your sense of self, your energy, your willingness - and then having to pick it all backup and build again. Maybe, just maybe, I needed to rest. 

Maybe, just maybe, you do too.

In my reference to Glennon Doyle, I want to touch on one of her latest episodes of WE CAN DO HARD THINGS (which you can listen to on Apple by clicking HERE, or on SPOTIFY by clicking HERE). The episode of BURN OUT quite literally floored both Lucy and I.

Did you know that it’s a real thing to be the sort of tired that a nap can’t fix? The sort that resting and sleeping won’t actually solve? Yeah, it’s a real thing.

Instead of giving you a complete run-down of the episode (you should just listen to it yourself) I want to share a few direct quotes as a way to sort of persuade you to listen to it, but also to make it extremely obvious that you are not alone, ever. IF you relate to any of these things, you too may be on the verge of burnout, or you may already be there. I encourage you to be soft with yourself.

“When we talk we are just staring at each other, emotionless, going through lists of things we have to do,
or talk about, just dead inside. like robots of some sort. We have run out of ourselves”.

“We used to have fire, and fight, and fear, and giddy-up. We are fresh out of giddy-up”.

“Your life just becomes one damn thing after another”.

“No differentiation between the things that should be bringing me joy and the things that are obligations that I have to meet.
When every single moment requires something of you. There are more requirements than there are moments and you
don’t know how you’re ever going to keep up. There is no relief in sight.
It’s a pie eating contest and the reward is more pie”.

“The difference between depression and this feeling (burnout) is that I keep going. When I’m depressed, there is no
chance for me to keep going. But burnout is scary to me because I actually feel like a robot - I can actually keep going
in this empty existence. I don’t even know the difference between good things and bad things anymore”.

”Not knowing why we’re suffering is an added layer of suffering”.

“In a time where you can not give enough to make things okay it is no surprise that women are completely burnt out”.

”It’s not because you’re losing, it’s because the game is rigged”.

“It’s emotional exhaustion vs. physical exhaustion. My soul is tired. My spirit is tired.
My bones are tired. The fatigue that comes from caring too much for too long”.

“You want to care, and intellectually you should, but there’s just nothing left”.

“I feel most fatigued and burned out when I’m doing the same things over, and over, and over”.

“The world is an infinite sucking vortex of needs, it is not your job to fill all the needs, it is your
job to do your part. Figure out WHICH part is YOUR part”.

“Your bubble of love should include people who take your wellbeing as seriously as you do theirs”.

“When you feel you need more grit, what you need is more help. and when you feel you need more discipline what you need
is more kindness. When you’re exhausted, the solution is not to work harder. You need rest, and you need help. You deserve rest, and help”.

This concept, of asking for help, is what I want to touch on. In no way am I saying that asking for help will solve all your burnout, but maybe, just maybe, it can solve something. We all deserve help. There is no way we were put on this earth to do ALL of the things ALL by ourselves. So, why is it so unbelievably hard for us to ask for help? Why, as women (and some men, of course) do we feel like it is our job to do ALL of the things?



Some people don’t like asking for help because they themselves are givers. Other reasons for not wanting to ask for help could be an embarrassment, control, trust, intimacy, limiting beliefs, outdated gender norms, and about a handful or two more.

However, whether you want to admit it or not, chores (even tho they’re yours) do not have to be solely your responsibility, you know?

Sure, they need to get done, but nowhere in the book of life does its say that it has to be done by you, and only you.

Ask for help, okay?

I feel like it’s extremely appropriate to write this next part from my perspective because I am usually (and I love to be) the one who is hired to help.

I am my mother’s daughter (from one of my earliest memories, my Mom has always been the person that people call for help. People for the last thirty-two years of my life have been paying my mom to do the most random of things and in the end, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree). I’ve spent the majority of my life doing things for people that they don’t want to do - and guess what? I love it. I learned early on in life that there are people out there who understand that their time is more valuable than taking on everything themselves. There are people out there who have realized that they hate having to keep their houses clean while also trying to keep the rest of their lives and their families organized. There are people out there who crave the weightlessness of coming home to a clean kitchen and meals in the fridge. People pay, by choice, a lot of money to have quality people come in and play with their kids in ways that they themselves don’t always feel like doing. There are people who want nothing more than to have someone show up at their house and drive their kids to and from their activities so that they can do things that make more sense for them in those moments.

If you read that paragraph and have some sort of negative reaction to It, I encourage you to ask yourself why. 

Why is it okay to pay someone to do your taxes, to change your oil, but it’s not okay to get someone to come in and change all your sheets and do all your laundry?

Why is it okay to pay someone to plan your wedding, but it’s not okay to pay someone to keep your family's books in order?

Why is it okay to pay someone to cook for you, serve you, and wash your dishes when you’re out of the house but the thought of asking for someone to come into your house and clean your bathrooms and kitchens is unheard of?

You don’t have to be of a certain class, a certain age group, or be textbook busy for it to be okay to call someone and pay them for their services. Asking and paying for help is something anyone can do - including you.

I have made my living, from a very young age, doing just that. I’ve spent summers doing yard work for families who want a few more hands on the farm. I’ve sanded and painted and stained and done countless trips to the dump. I’ve washed windows, detailed cars, and organized garages. I’ve wrapped Christmas presents, I’ve set up Christmas decorations, and I’ve done Christmas baking. I’ve babysat, nannied, and changed more poopy nappies than I can even count. I’ve walked your dog, taken it to the vet, and I’ve trained your puppy. I’ve cleaned your house, your office, and the house of your single friend who simply just hates doing it on her own. I’ve driven across provinces to drop things off. I’ve brought elderly family members back home for the holidays. I’ve painted your living room, helped you declutter your life, and reorganize your furniture so that you feel at peace. I’ve cut your hair, colored your hair, and even gotten you ready for your wedding. I’ve written weekly blog posts for your business, taken photographs, and spent hours editing them for you. I’ve created content. I’ve planned trips, found rental apartments, and lent you my car for your five-day getaway. I’ve done your spring cleaning, helped with your children’s homework, and booked your annual chimney sweep.

And not once, I promise you, have I ever judged you for wanting (or needing) me to do any of that for you.

You having a messy house and weeks of laundry that you haven't touched, does not bother me.

The fact that your drain in your kitchen smells and is gathering all sorts of goodies doesn’t bother me either.

Asking me to come over and watch your kids on a Saturday even though you don’t have anywhere to go, DOES NOT BOTHER ME.

What bothers me is that some of you are too scared, too proud, too embarrassed, or too whatever to ask for the thing that you really want (and need).

Not wanting to clean your own bathroom doesn’t make you a bad person. 

Not wanting to scrub the bacon grease off your kitchen cupboards from three weekends ago, doesn’t make you lazy. 

Not wanting to go to the pool yourself, but wanting your kids to learn to love to swim, doens’t make you a bad parent.

Not wanting to put in the effort to actually call the dishwasher repair man, and the washing machine repair man and then make sure you’re home to answer the door when they show up because you’re busy and probably at work, doesn’t make you a horrible person. 

Not wanting to mow the lawn on your only day off, doesn’t mean you’ve given up.

Not wanting to do anything, doesn’t make you anything.

Not having the capacity to _______, doesn’t make you ________.

There is no correlation.

There are so many people out there (hello, it’s me) who will quite literally drop what they're doing to help you do those things - no matter what they are. People like me actually make a living by doing things you either a) don’t want to do, or b) don’t have the time or capacity to do so. 

Hire us. Let us help you. 

And then remember that we’re not judging you. 

I judge myself for the state of my house, I won’t lie. I hate when my own dishes arent’ done and when there is dust on things that should be dust free. The feeling I get when I look at my overflowing laundry basket is not a pleasant feeling, whatsoever.  When I open my fridge and see vegetables that have been forgotten in the bottom of the drawer, I feel sad, and I get a bit angry at myself for wasting them.

But at your house? No judgment whatsoever. I, the one being paid to help, have absolutely NO emotional connection to how messy your life is - and you need to know that. 

When I babysit for you and your child yells at me nonstop, I don’t take it personally. I imagine that they’ve had a busy week and are overstimulated and likely a bit confused about what’s going on. I don’t take it home with me. I don’t think that you’re a horrible person for raising a human who yells. None of that. Zero. Nada. 

When I clean your house and there are snack wrappers falling in between your bedside table and your mattress, and your laundry hasn’t been done in weeks and isn’t even nicely organized into color-coded piles? I don’t mind. I don’t even mind if you’ve neglected to scrub your bathtub or wash the toothpaste splatters off your bathroom mirror for months. 

What I do feel is joy. Opportunity to make you feel fresh, relaxed, and taken care of. 

It lights me up inside. I honestly feel like I have been given the chance to actually make a huge difference in your life. To me, it feels like I’ve been given a chance to prove something to myself. Getting to take something HEAVY off of your to-do list is quite literally one of my favorite things to do.

Do you know why? 

A few reasons, really.

Reason 1: I know how bloody hard it is to ask for help, and if you’ve gotten to the point where you’re comfortable asking for help, and you’re going to let someone into the inner workings of your life - it has taken time and proper consideration on your part. I don’t take that lightly. I feel honored that you chose me, to fill in the gaps in your life.

Because guess what? We all have gaps to fill. None of us were brought into this world with the ability (or the capacity) to actually do it all. 

Asking for help isn’t easy, and when you finally do ask for help, I want it to be worth it for you. Like, REALLY worth it. I want to wow you.

Reason 2: I’m undeniably selfish and I get a lot of joy out of taking something messy and making it unmessy. I love looking back and being able to say “I see the difference and I want you to see it, too”. I love the look on people’s faces when I’ve made their day flow a lot easier. I relish knowing that because of me, you feel lighter, cleaner, happier, more rested, more organized, and accomplished. 

And there’s nothing wrong with that. Just as there is nothing wrong with you asking for help and not wanting to do the thing yourself, there’s nothing wrong with me getting a massive load of satisfaction from being the one to do it for you.

I believe I was born to help. Some of us are. And when you find those people, the best thing you can do for them is LET THEM HELP. Both of your lives will be better if you simply let it happen.

Reason 3: You’re going to be a better person if you stop worrying about all the things you still haven’t done. Am I right, or am I right?

You’ll have more time to actually hang out with your kids if you’re not constantly running around trying to do laundry, clean out the fridge, clean the car, and mow the lawn. You’ll be a lot nicer to your kids if you have a chance to fill your own cup for a few hours while I take them out to the park (or wherever, really) and bring them back with their cups full, too. You’ll do better work (it’s a fact) if your house is not a pigstye. You’ll actually sit on your back deck if someone comes over and stains and seals it, and creates a backyard oasis out of things you already have, vs continuing to use it as a dumping ground for things you don’t know what to do with and continue to turn a blind eye to. You’ll sleep better at night knowing you hired someone to do overnights with your triplets and that if they wake up, someone else can get them back to sleep while you continue to sleep, uninterrupted, even a few times a week for the year. You’ll find joy again in your body and your appearance if you ask someone to come over and clear out your room and your closet of anything that no longer serves you, and help you put it all back together in a way that makes sense, and allows you to really take ownership over yourself.  You might actually enjoy your home, and enjoy being home, if you allow someone to come over and paint your horrible coloured walls and open your blinds and bring life to your spaces that currently have no life. You might benefit from having someone whos good at donating and/or disposing of things come over and help you deal with the growing pile of things you think you need but really are just holding on to because you’re afraid to let go.

Reason 4: Hearing you say “Thank You” after I’ve done something that I honestly never thought I could make a living off of, makes all the difference. It makes me feel like I matter.

Serving people is a career. Helping people is a career. Filling in the gaps is a career. Being your personal to-do list lady is a career. Doing sh*t you don’t want to do, for you, is a career. 

And for the longest time, I felt like I needed to go off and find a career that makes a real difference, that has a fancy title, or a paycheck and some benefits. I searched for and contemplated finding a legitimate and purposeful career that I learned about in high school thinking that’s what would give me value as a person. However, none of that makes me happy. What makes me happy is quite literally finding people in the world who need things done, creating a bond with them, and then learning how I can fill in some of the gaps in their life. All people have different needs, and different gaps, and because of that - people like me, can be kept quite busy, doing all sorts of things.

I guess my point is this - burnout is real. Your burnout may look different than mine, but they’re both real.

My point is that asking for help is an act of courage, nothing else.

My point is that you’re a wonderful person in the world who doesn’t deserve to carry the weight of it all solely on your own shoulders. 

I also have hopefully made the point that the people you are asking to help you, are happy to help you. We’re not judging you. We’re not mad at you. We’re not ashamed of you. We don’t think that you’ve failed or have reached rock bottom. 

Share with others - your thoughts, your feelings, and your to-do list. 

It’s my belief that when you start to do that, you inevitably open up space and capacity within yourself for things that actually excite you. 

And isn’t that what life is about? Playing to your strengths?

As cliche as it sounds, you can not pour from an empty bucket.

If you hate cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, and cleaning the car? Don’t do it! Pay someone who likes those things to do it for you. Even if you don’t mind doing things (like parenting 24/7) but simply are searching for some time and space in your life FOR YOU, then pay someone to parent for you for a few hours here and there just to gain some of your sanity back.

The cool thing is that when you PAY someone to do something, often they do a reallllllly good job. A free babysitter is cool, but a paid babysitter will likely go above and beyond.

Burnout is real, and I don’t want you to burn out, okay? 

In order to not experience burnout, you must first understand how to sense that it’s coming - and learn what you can do once it arrives. Learning what to do before it arrives is your superpower, and asking for help in a few areas of your life - might be key. And asking for help doesn’t have to be expensive. Can’t afford a full-time nanny? Ask for a few hours a week and be very specific in what you need. Can’t afford a bi-weekly clean of your whole house? Simply ask for someone to come in and do bathrooms, kitchen and floors - and nothing else. Can’t afford someone to cook all your meals? Figure out which meals stress you out the most and outsource 50% of those! Get creative. The benefit will surprise you, I promise.

I highly suggest tapping into yourself, and listening to the WE CAN DO HARD THINGS podcast episode on Burn Out by clicking HERE to listen on APPLE and by clicking HERE to listen on SPOTIFY. 

Burnout isn’t a failure, by the way. You didn’t get here because you’ve failed. 

You’ve gotten here because life is ridiculously hard sometimes, 2022 is confronting and we are overstimulated by the negative events of the world, and you’re tired. You’ve got here because you’re trying really damn hard. You’ve gotten here because you do want what’s best for you and your family.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you.

**I also see and hear you who are currently baffled by my post as you sit there thinking that you won’t ever be able to ask for help because you hardly have enough money for the necessities, never mind the frivolous things. I see you. I understand what a privilege it is to be able to afford help. I want you to know that there are people who, myself included, have helped for free. I’ve exchanged my services for things, many times. If you need help, I encourage your first step to simply be reaching out and asking for it. figuring out how to pay for it, whether it be money or a trade of services, can come later. If you need to chat about how to go about this or how to find people who can help, please reach out. My inbox is always open.